Decoding The Mental Condition

I am a firm believer that, just like DNA, all humans are different. In many ways and/or disposition. People adapt to their surroundings in both the physical and emotional element of their perceived being. Cliques, for example are a perfect definition or explanation of such. People tend to gravitate toward their assumed roles in life. I find this to be intriguing in itself, but my question is... What if you don't feel the desire to fit into a group, role, clique, or predetermined obligation to an emotional conformity or sense of belonging?

Speaking for myself, as a person with mental "disabilities", I generally find myself in a sense of separation. Even though I have the capability to adapt to my social surroundings {only as a survival technique} I see my surroundings and social construct as a perpetual conundrum. The label of "Mentally disabled" , I generally find humor in, viewing it as a blessing and a curse. Let me explain: Even though I have the ability to adapt to any social construct that I find myself in, I still view that construct beyond the black and white of it's assumed definition and/or rule of belonging.

What I believe puts me in such a state of solitude is the mere fact that in what I've viewed in behaviors in my peers or others as a whole, simply doesn't compute in my thoughts. A simple example would be; when I watch a movie or hear a song... there is that one line, scene, part, or artistic expression that will bring about an obvious expression... Such as tears, laughter, or any sort of physical and emotional reaction that those near me didn't find as profound as I did. What gives me the feeling of loneliness, is that they would nearly think me strange for finding such joy or color in something that I can only think, that they find trivial or basically no big deal. I have to question... "Why are they so lacking in the ability to recognize beauty?"

I mentioned mental disability. I'm sure that someone had to give it a label, for no other reason than to simply be able to call it "Something". I mentioned it being a blessing and a curse, because, I have no better way to say it, however, I CAN define it. I don't see it as a disability, I view it as a blessing in the sense that, as I opened with, all humans are different. The difference is in how we perceive our roles in this life, that quite frankly, none of us asked for. The best that I can do with my "disability" is hone in on the positive attributes of it. If I believe that I can see the depths of emotion on a heightened level, then how can I make that a strength of myself? Without actually knowing it, I have. I have often wondered, as I mentioned about reactions to entertainment... Why is it, that when I am at a job, I can do twice the production with more precise results? Why is it that when I was in martial arts, I became more fluent and successful than those in the were taught the same as I? Why is it, that when I play guitar, I can adlib the solo and not even know what my fingers are doing? Mind you, none of this is spoke in arrogance or vanity... It is spoken in my own astonishment and query.

I speak of all of this as a prelude to what I want to actually address, which is, my never-ending desire to question the status quo. I won't get into all of the examples, but will state that i feel the desire to question everything. I believe that that is an imperative in the growth of civilization. That being said, I never believe that there is ever a set "law" or rule in a specific subject. How do we educate and set standard or law, so to speak, in any subject...? We keep evolving and adapting, however, we must realize that the strength of the human brain should be exercised and challenged, but with a healthy combination of audacity and humility. The audacity to challenge and the humility to admit that it's the "best you could come up with" not the... "This is absolute truth." Because, everything was absolute until it wasn't.

I have Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and some other undefined/coded phycological behavior "disorders". Even though I 100% accept, identify, and adapt to my hardships in the firings of my brain... Sometimes I do find myself in some dangers and weaknesses. I was in a mental facility in the local area (at my own seeking) over a cycle that was more severe than usual. I was there for several days and at some point felt strong and okay to go home. Before I could do this, I had to have an assessment with a few of the staff, including the Psychiatrist in charge. This was my first time engaging with him and I complied with our session, however, I was put off by a certain demeanor. He had told me, "Well, you aren't sleeping enough so, you need to stay." Followed with... "Are you having any thoughts of harming yourself?" I responded with a bit of a quip... "I am Bipolar, I live with daily thoughts of hurting myself." I was only being matter-of-fact in the sense that yes, every day is a struggle and I am aware of it. The problem is, that he came back in a condescending tone, "I don't need a lecture about bipolar disorder from... You." My immediate thought was... I'm exactly the person you need to be educated by, but tact won the scenario and I simply asked, "Have you spoken to my Doctor?" The session did not go well, I was released two days later, but left him a terrible review. The staff, however, was amazing and the facility in itself was stellar. I have to question though, why did the Psychiatrist take such offense and more importantly... Why does he think he "Knows Everything"? The pursuit of brain and behavior function will never end. We must always question everything.